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2nd prompt ~ Vita - It's Like Montparnasse All Over Again

About 2nd prompt ~ Vita

Previous Entry 2nd prompt ~ Vita Apr. 22nd, 2004 @ 10:26 pm Next Entry

"I've got a tongue like a razor

A sweet switchblade knife

And I can do you favours

But then you'll do whatever I like..."~Guns 'n' Roses

I hear your voice in this song. You with the wild hair and intense eyes. I hear your sarcasm dripped tongue, the lies and the truth and I want to breath it all in. Hold it in my lungs, never to exhale, never to give you up. But that was so long ago and I was so different then.

A small tear occured in the space/time continuum last night and I felt your hands reaching out to me through the distance, from the past. Your acrid laugh and my appalling naivety. I never wanted to be the one with regrets. Never wanted to be the girl who sat in the shadows with wet eyes and bruised thighs, wrapped in a cloak of nostalgia and weeping tears of saccharine regret, the young virgin auto-sodomized by her own chastity.

But you reduce me to this. And I close my eyes and try to will it to be another way. I feel every rain drenched October night like a thousand tiny teeth of glass biting through my soul, tongue bleeding biting back words that should have been spoken instead of cast adrift on a sea of silence. Silence is the slayer and I am the feline bandit that stole my own tongue.

This regret eats at me slowly, a torturous decay, a gangrenous soul, I hobble about never knowing. One day I will swallow you down with a cocktail of strychnine and novocaine. You are gone, and I have nothing left, for you left me with nothing, only this scream caught in the back of my throat.

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From:orange_velcro
Date:April 22nd, 2004 04:47 pm (UTC)
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Thankyou!!( I too quite like my silence line) It's still in infancy...I am not yet completely happy with it, but by sticking it up there, I am able to sit back from it a little and be a little more objective about where it needs...air brushing.
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From:besideserato
Date:April 24th, 2004 01:16 am (UTC)
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That is a brilliant line. You play with words so well, I am positively entranced by this. I cannot wait to see how you develop this entry.
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From:3g0
Date:April 25th, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
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Have you ever read Larissa Szporluk's poems? The voice here reminds me of her poems Dark Eros and Pecuniary in particular, as if her victims were speaking.

I think, if you will, that there is an orgasm of simile in this piece. Some of your phrases, as someone above mentioned, are so tight, that they should be lovingly preserved - to have too many sort of tires the mind and overwhelms with images. For example, "...rain drenched October night like a thousand tiny teeth of glass" is beautiful. I think the part about it's bite is inherent in the first image you paint, so the next is too much sugar on the berries.

It will be interesting to see where this piece goes.
From:orange_velcro
Date:April 25th, 2004 04:36 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! No I haven't read her. (To be honest I have never heard of her, but you have me intrigued....what would you reccomend I read?)

"For example, "...rain drenched October night like a thousand tiny teeth of glass" is beautiful. I think the part about it's bite is inherent in the first image you paint, so the next is too much sugar on the berries."

I think you are right that I don't need the part about "biting through my soul". I will keep that in mind when I make alterations.
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From:fireriven
Date:April 25th, 2004 10:41 am (UTC)
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Should it be "sarcasm dripped tongue" or "sarcasm-dripping tongue"?

There are definitely some powerful images in this piece. I think you worked the prompt line in really well, by the way.

A little polishing of grammar and spelling, a little more development, and I think this is a highly intriguing piece.
From:orange_velcro
Date:April 25th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC)
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Ooh,I am so glad you brought that up! Actually I am not sure that 'dripped' was the best choice. Perhaps it should be sarcasm laced tongue? I'm not sure, it was one of the parts I wasn't happy with.
As for my grammar and spelling, this tends to slide when you forget to proof read!
I often find myself scratching my head with the spell check button, seems odd that we speak the same language but spell things so differently. I look at the suggested corrections and go but hey I spelt that right! Until I remember that Americans have their own unique spelling of English words! And that I am yet to move with the times and adopt the US dictionary, that and I have an awful habit of being a dyslexic typist! (Which again comes back to the all important point of checking your work!)
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